Funny airplane announcements

Last updated by Jack on 24 April, 2010 in Reading.

Cockpit interior - Photo by CaribbNow and then, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety presentation and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some of the better ones that are flying around the web:

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Chicago, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

 

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

 

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

 

This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

 

Looking for more fun? See some funny exchanges between pilots and air control operators.

You should follow me on twitter here.

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Pilots and control towers, some real life exchanges

Comments

Some good ones there. Number 6 in particular made me laugh.

Dan on 26 July, 2009

phtoshopped, all of them

jeff on 28 July, 2009

If by 'photoshopped' you mean made up, yeah, probably! Still funny.

Jack on 29 July, 2009

Hey Jack,

Very funny list... I love number 15 personally! Not sure why but it really tickled me!!

TravMonkey on 30 July, 2009

@travmonkey

I've got the same kind of silly sense of humor, that one's really good.

Jack on 31 July, 2009

Doubt it

South west Airlines does a lot of kinda weird things on their flights. Rapping flight attendants seems to be the norm

Number 3 was kinda awesome lol ( :

Cody on 26 August, 2009

Probably all true

I travel some, and I have personally heard from the pilot or flight crew all but 1,4, and 15. So...likely they're all true.

Dave on 26 August, 2009

Nepal expedition

very nice post.thanks for making this great funny post and share to all people

Nepal expedition on 27 August, 2009

I've heard a few

I've heard a few (or variations of) those on the list. But my all time favorite is "be careful when opening overhead compartments, shift happens"

Mike on 27 August, 2009

I laughed out loud, thank you!

Leslie on 28 August, 2009

Some funny, but...

I feel sorry for the pilots, when landings are difficult :(

Number 16 was funniest for me.

casbot on 28 August, 2009

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

Absolutely cracked me up - the pilots are strange people but I suppose it must be a fairly boring job for them. They have got to get the laughs going for them somehow.

Kaitlin M on 28 August, 2009

I was on a plane once and the pilot said the following over the loud speaker:

"alright, we have begun our descent. If XXX is not your planned destination for today, it soon will be"

Anonymous on 29 August, 2009

i can vouch for number 6, southwest attendants said that on my flight-- they seem to be the best flights, too.

anonymous on 29 August, 2009

Jeff Made me LOL

Anonymous on 30 August, 2009

"If you are on the left side of the aircraft, you can see the weather system we are currently avoiding. If you are on the right side you can see the back of the other people's heads."

Anonymous on 31 August, 2009

Awesome addition

Thanks for adding that one, it's fantastic!

Jack on 01 September, 2009

jack the n00b 2009

Jack from "eyeflare" should probably get with it... n00b

http://xkcd.com/331/

ejes on 02 September, 2009

@ejes

Eloquent, yes ;-)

xkcd is great.

Jack on 02 September, 2009

o.O

I hadn't heard "if you're traveling with two small children, choose now the one you love best" until my mom and I were flying this summer. I thought it was hilarious.

Akun on 03 September, 2009

i was on a flight when they actually said number six

craig on 05 September, 2009

Always True

No. 12 always true. You just see them in their TV ads.

Sukka Patta on 17 September, 2009

Southwest

Once I flew Southwest, and after landing ahead of schedule, the attendant got on the mic and sang, to the tune of Auld Lang Syne:

Should other airlines be forgot

And never brought to mind

Remember Southwest got you here

And we got you here on time...

Angus McPresley on 20 September, 2009

Denver

When I landed in Denver this past June the captain announced over the PA, just after a nice landing, "ladies and gentleman that landing was smooth like butter"

David on 23 September, 2009

United Express

i was in a united express flight, the flight attendant had a bad day, she said "... turn off all your blackberries, blueberries, strawberries.... in case of emergency, disco lighting will lit up the airplane.... in case of water landing, which is geographically impossible...."

anon on 27 September, 2009

Southwest

A comment from a Southwest flight attendant: Please use caution when opening the overhead bins, because we all know, shift happens.

Joy on 28 September, 2009

it's always nice having such sense of humor on the flight.

u make my day.

robb on 02 October, 2009

Ya. I like #6 too. Haven't they figured out that we've figured out what a seatbelt is?

Janice on 04 October, 2009

I was flying Southwest, and the flight attendant made the statement, "You seat cushions can be used as a flotation device in case of an emergency crash landing in between Las Vegas and Salt Lake." It was great I wish Southwest did international.

Nathan on 06 October, 2009

actually i don't they they are made up at all. i've heard the if you have two children one pick witch one you love more on a southwest flight before. southwest encourages playfulness.

Patrick on 08 October, 2009

I had a pilot on South West make a funny announcement, we were coming in for a landing and he was acting as if the plane was a horse. saying "Woah nelly" "woahhh" and then followed by horse clopping noises. These were pretty good too.

Shelby on 10 October, 2009

haha.. love this one.

Tina on 12 October, 2009

lame

Anonymous coward on 12 October, 2009

It's nice to see people in stressful jobs loosening up a little. When I fly on Malaysian Airways and we reach cruise height, it sounds like the pilot says Potra potra banchewed larama Always makes me laugh.

Jim Jones on 13 October, 2009

One that I have heard on WestJet is: Smoking is not allowed on any flights. if caught you will be removed from the plane immediately. Of course this is said after take off. That same flight then announced at the end, smoking is allowed in certain areas in the terminal, those wishing to smoke can follow me.

Barb on 20 October, 2009

Thanks Barb, that's a good one!

Jack on 20 October, 2009

Another funny one:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our decent into XXX airport. At this time we would as that if you are still enjoying a cocktail, please stop enjoying it and start drinking it already!......."

LOL

SS on 20 October, 2009

I once heard this one on Aeroflot Russian Airways:

"We are now going to attempt to fly to New York"

ES on 21 October, 2009

I was on an Alaska Airlines flight and as we were taxiing from the gate the flight attendant came on and said "those passengers sitting on the right side of the aircraft can get a last look at their luggage before we depart"

She then went on to say "For those of you wondering about the weather at our destination, Honolulu is reporting sunny skies and temperatures of 86 degrees. Unfortunately our destination is Nome Alaska, which is reporting 27 degrees below zero and blowing snow".

Aiviq on 23 October, 2009

On a Southwest flight from SFO to LAX, a flight attendant went through the safety pitch, mentioning "...in the event this plane becomes a cruise ship, your seat cushion can be used a chaise lounge."

mike on 27 October, 2009

Thank you to SS, Es, Aiviq, and Mike for adding your jokes. Great stuff!

Jack on 29 October, 2009

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

There is no reason to panic."

deppie on 02 November, 2009

I've heard a number of them, however, the rest were really funny! Thx for putting some humor into somewhat "compromised" situations

Sharon on 02 November, 2009

A Southwest attendant: "No smoking is allowed, even in the toilets. Don't be naughty in our potty! If you do, there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you'd be flying United tonight instead of Southwest."

Fred on 02 November, 2009

While explaining how to put the seat belt on, the flight attendant said "Please fasten the belt so its secure and low on your hips, Britney Spears style. Thank you."

julia on 02 November, 2009

I had a tremendously rough landing this weekend and the flight attendant said "On behalf of Midas shocks and Firestone tires, we welcome you to Portland."

bubbarub on 02 November, 2009

Had a Southwest pilot get on the PA prior to taking off to ask if it was anyones first time on a plane and to hit their flight attendant button. After a few minutes when no one did, he came back on and said "good, then I'm the only one." The entire plane completely cracked up. Also used to have flight attendants do a version of the Barney song - "We love you, you love us, we're much faster than a bus. . ."

Amy on 03 November, 2009

That's awesome, thanks Lizzle!

Jack on 08 November, 2009

i had a Southwest captain come over the loudspeaker saying: "we are now going to dim the cabin lights to increase the studliness of your flight attendants. God knows they need it."

Anonymous on 08 November, 2009

good

nut on 13 November, 2009

1. Rayan air( no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

chris on 14 November, 2009

As a pilot I can attest to all of these. We like to have our fun, and we hope are passengers feel the same way.

Tom on 13 December, 2009

On a Southwest flight after landing early, but waiting for a terminal to open up, the captain came on the PA and said "Sorry for the delay folks, but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We'll have you off the plane as soon as we get done breaking it by hand."

adam on 14 December, 2009

While boarding a Westjet flight to Vegas. The attendant asked for the elderly, disabled, and people with small children to come to the front so they can board the plane. And then, imediately remarked that she didn't know why anyone would bring their children to Vegas. The terminal erupted with laughter. The people that didn't laugh, must have been making their first trip to the strip.

Herbert on 15 December, 2009

Thanks Adam, that's a cracker!

So's Herbert's. I do know there are (some) kid friendly stuff to do in Vegas though. It'd still leave the children with a babysitter!...

Jack on 15 December, 2009

All of these are great...another smoking gem. After giving the usual no smoking spiel, the Delta attendant continued: "If we do see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take steps to extinguish you."

-Karl on 07 January, 2010

yeah....

I personally heard one of the SouthWest announcements.

Spuffler on 27 January, 2010

Such a funny Article!

Lopsang on 22 February, 2010

There's the classic pilot tower exchange between a British pilot and a German controller (sometime in the 50's/60's I must assume) the British pilot is having some trouble finding his gate, finally the somewhat stroppy German ATC asks if he has never been to Frankfurt before, the pilot replies "Yes, twice actually in 1944, but it was quite dark and we weren't allowed to land"

Alex on 17 March, 2010

While I was on a plane to the Bahamas, our flight attendant made the announcement "turn off all electronic devices: cellphones, laptops, blackberrys, blueberries, dingleberries..." we all cracked up.

Even better, we got him on the way back from the Bahamas, too :)

Claire on 24 March, 2010

I had a southwest flight attendant say that in the event of a water landing the designer vests under the seat were on the house if you wanted to take one

Steve on 25 March, 2010

A Southwest flight from Reno to Vegas: There are about seven passengers on this flight, While taking off the nose of the plane starts to lift up and I hear "we will begin the in flight snack service". The next thing I know dozens of bags of peanuts come sliding down the isle. I still have some bags of peanuts left, I must have caught thirty bags!

Ed on 26 March, 2010

Flying Pacific Blue from Wellington to Auckland, the attendant announced "if you leave anything on this plane, you can pick them up from TradeMe."

(TradeMe = NZ auction site)

Alex on 26 March, 2010

"Above your head are the control buttons for your reading light and the flight attendant call button. Pushing the light control turns the light on and off. No matter how many times you push the other one, it will not turn on the flight attendants."

Anonymous on 31 March, 2010

I had one where we were taxing around for about an hour. We were joking that we were just going to drive to our destination. Finally the pilot came on and said "if you look to your right that was the terminal we left an hour ago. I hope you enjoyed the tour of the airport. We should be leaving soon. Thank you."

Anonymous on 31 March, 2010

Most of them look really fake. No pilot or flight attendant will take the risk of pissing someone off with this.

Mark on 08 April, 2010

On a flight to fiji one Xmas, the chief stewardesses was the mother of the 4 other hostesses..The company had obviously put them on the same flight to get them home for their family xmas and they were all enjoying working together. During the safety demonstration we got:

" your lifejacket has a light and whistle for attracting sharks. When bitten you will need to use this tube to re-inflate your lifejacket"

Paul Thorley on 08 April, 2010

I was headed to Denver from Atlanta and the captain comes on and says

"We've only got about 4 hours of fuel left so I'm going to haul ass and make it to Denver in 3 and 1/2. I'd like to remind you that this is a non-smoking flight, but if we're still in the air after 4 hours, smoke 'em if you got 'em"

Needless to say we got to Denver pretty darn quick.

Jay on 08 April, 2010

southwest is always really funny

Anonymous on 08 April, 2010

Here's one. I was flying to Florida. The flight attendant said about to oxygen masks: "Please help yourself before helping small children or poloticians" Then about smoking she said: "No smoking is allowed on the plane. There is, however, a smoking lounge on the wings of the plane."

Anonymous on 09 April, 2010

"If you are traveling with a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please fasten your air mask before fastening theirs"

Lisa on 09 April, 2010

@jeff

shopped?

james on 09 April, 2010

It's so great that these flight attendants and crew members have fun at their jobs. It probably gets boring for them after the first couple of flights of the day. Things can get really bumpy up there! Maybe airlines should install something like headache racks on the seats. Of course, they'd have to be a little softer than steel!

Summer on 09 April, 2010

ive heard a few of those flying southwest. they are the best

Anonymous on 09 April, 2010

Once on Southwest just before take off the pilot said " I think I can. I think I can."

M.Santos on 09 April, 2010

Thanks for the stories, Jack. I love flying Southwest...I saw the "rapping flight attendant" (posted earlier) on a flight to (or maybe from) Tampa. On another flight one of the attendants had everyone laughing through her safety spiel with lines previously quoted or a slight variation like "in case this flight becomes a cruise..." She saved her funniest line for last though. After we landed and the captain turned off the fasten seat belts sign, she said, "well folks it's been great having you with us, but just like my dad said to me the day I turned 18: get out."

Chip on 11 April, 2010

I remember when I flew with my grandparents to Savannah Georgia from the Ohare airport in Illinois. The flight for Dallas Texas was starting to board. "The Flight for Dallas Texas is now boarding. Aww.. Leaving so soon? We're gonna miss you guys! We were just starting to think of you as family!"

Courtney on 11 April, 2010

Personal experience. this one is kinda new-york specific. So you might not get it.

On jet blue flight to JFK. (The other major area airport is Laguardia)

Capt:"Ladies and gentlemen we are making our final approach to Laguardia now"

*About 10 seconds of silence while people start going 'did he jsut say laguardia?'*

"We'll just take the BQE to the belt, and we'll be in JFK in no time"

BK Dave on 11 April, 2010

@Chip, @Courtney, @BK Dave

Thanks for sharing your stories guys, these are really funny.

Jack on 12 April, 2010

I was on a Southwest flight, and we had a pretty rough landing. The pilot came on the loud speaker:

"Uhh....we're here."

Vanessa on 12 April, 2010

Just returned from a trip where the flight attendant on the Continental flight made the following announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is flight XXX to Houston Texas. The cabin doors are now secured for departure. If Houston is not in your travel plans today - it is now!"

Pretty funny at the time.

Colin on 12 April, 2010

I've heard a lot of pretty funny stuff from flight attendants on Southwest airlines, actually.

alison on 12 April, 2010

@Vanessa, @Colin, @Alison

Thanks for your contributions. Vanessa's proves that sometimes, short is best ;-)

Jack on 13 April, 2010

i think i had the flight attendant from #6 on my way down to New Orleans for the superbowl

whodat on 13 April, 2010

I remember flying on Southwest and the attendant going to Hawaii saying, "If their happens to be an emergency water landing, please do not swim to any islands, for there may be a smoke monster, I mean, the people we left there last time, I mean.... do not forget to use your seat cushion as a flotation device..."

Graeme on 13 April, 2010

Mark, you're a douche -- I've personally heard two of the SouthWest ones (I fly them 6-8 times a month)...everyone appreciates them and all laugh...except, of course, there's always one douchebag like you with his sense of humor where his head is...up his ARSE!

Kitty on 14 April, 2010

Back when you could still smoke on aircraft, there was a problem with the seating that was taking a long time to straighten out. The pilot came on the intercom and said; "Ladies and Gentlemen, the purpose of this aircraft is to move you from Newark NJ to St Louis MO. If there's a problem with seating, I'll just leave the no smoking sign all the way to St Louis. So if you will all just sit down, we'll get airborne. Thanks for Flying American Airlines, we ned the money"

He later came out of the cockpit and chatted with the passengers.

Mark D on 15 April, 2010

I really like the "...taking you for a ride" it could be used in many ways. Hilarious thanks!

kratom on 16 April, 2010

As the plane rolled on to the runway, the pilot came on and said, "Flight attendants, prepare for blastoff!"

Gary on 20 April, 2010

awesome article :) Thanks for sharing!

Cancelledout on 20 April, 2010

Flying British Airways once I remember the pilot saying "...and we will be serving dinner on our flight this evening. And icecream if everybody behaves themselves."

Anonymous on 21 April, 2010

On a Southwest flight from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, after a real bumpy landing, the Pilot came on the speaker and said, "Uhm sorry ladies and gentlement, that rough landing wasn't the pilots fault, nor was it the flight attendants fault...It was the asphault. After a couple of seconds of silence, everybody in the whole plane starting laughing like crazy...then again it was a flight to Vegas...everybody was drunk.

John on 23 April, 2010

SouthWest crew members are always giving their speeches some personality. Every flight I have had with them has been a blast and they always have the best sense of airline humor.

jon on 24 April, 2010

yeah Southwest is the funniest:

"The fine for being caught smoking in the lavatory is $____. That's an expensive cigarette, folks. if you had that kind of money you wouldn't be flying Southwest."

FnordFox on 27 April, 2010

I heard one once, this was while everyone was seated on the plane waiting for our turn to take off.

"Thank you for choosing xyz Airlines, Please stay seated while the fasten seatbelt light is on, or we will be forced to re-seat you to the wing and watch our own little version of 'Gone With the Wind'!"

Nate on 27 April, 2010

While landing in Minneapolis I heard this one from a very perky flight attendant: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived in Minneapolis 10 minutes ahead of schedule. Please remember this the next time we're late."

Sarah McCurdy on 06 May, 2010

Southwest flight from Phoenix to Texas: "In the VERY unlikely event of a water landing..." Everyone on board laughed.

On the return flight, we landed rather abruptly. The Pilot got on the intercom: "As you may already know, we have hit our destination."

Anonymous on 06 May, 2010

I once took a class trip to DC, and our flight attendants were awesome. The pilot said "There is no smoking anywhere in the plane, but feel free to step out on the wing where you can enjoy our in-flight movies, 'Gone with the Wind' and 'Bye Bye Birdie'" Also, the flight attendant welcomed our class (it was like 50 kids at 6 AM) by saying how excited she was for us to be flying on the flight. Then she grabbed the sides of the door frame she was standing in and did a flip. it was awesome.

Anonymous on 06 May, 2010

Just after landing in Cancun: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Alaska!"

Anonymous on 12 May, 2010

I was on Southwest and the flight attendant was telling us to turn off our electronics. "Please turn off cell phones, lap tops, game boys, tom-toms, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, george foreman grills . . ."

Chris on 12 May, 2010

After being delayed for about an hour the pilot said, "Sorry about the delay folks, I will try to midigate the problem as soon as possible by flying this plane like I stole it."

Anonymous on 13 May, 2010

LOL, great stuff

Millenion on 14 May, 2010

I love the little old lady with the cane remark! Awesome!

William Cody Bateman on 15 May, 2010

i was flying ryanair from Spain to Germany when the pilot said in case your bored during the flight there are 4 emergency exits, and in case landing on water the life jacket has flashing lights to attract the sharks. and few other things i forgot was real funny

Eddie on 15 May, 2010

These are awesome! Thanx guys!

Adry on 15 May, 2010

Atlanta to Wichita...

Flight attendant: "I'd like to remind you that it is not against federal law to smile at a flight attendant."

bje on 15 May, 2010

This was great made me laugh after a bad day :)

Susan on 16 May, 2010

On a SW flight last year, it was an elderly lady's birthday. The flight attendant asked everyone to shut their window shades then asked us, on cue, to simultaneously turn on all the overhead lights while singing her happy birthday. Every SW flight has some fun aspect. On the way home from college last year, my son's SW flight had attendants giving out Mother's Day cards just in case anyone forgot to buy one!

Stella on 16 May, 2010

I love SW, too. We had a particularly funny flight attendant once and I can't even remember all of his lines. They were great. My favorite was when we arrived at the gate and the seatbelt sign light went off. He said, "All rise."

Mia on 23 May, 2010

In 8th grade on our trip to Washinton DC on Southwest, the flight attendant said, "hello passengers. We hope you have an enjoyful flight, and make sure that those 8th graders don't bother you. If they are, we have extra space in the luggage compartment."

Bre on 25 May, 2010

Haha these are great...

One of my experiences after a rough landing, the flight attendant got on and said "AS YOU CAN SEE, we've landed"

Amanda on 25 May, 2010

From a flight attendant on a Southwest flight I was on:

Ladies and gentlemen, we have on our flight today someone taking his first flight on his eightieth birthday. Please give a round of applause for your captain.

Pete on 28 May, 2010

southwest, there is a no smoking polocy in the craft, but if you would like to smoke you can moveyour way out to the wing where if you can light it you can smoke it.

Anonymous on 29 May, 2010

souyhwest is the best!!!!!!

bg on 01 June, 2010

we love u, u love us, we're much faster than the bus, so the next time your travel plans take bu to the air, fly southwest we'll get u there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bg on 01 June, 2010

I fly back and forth a lot for college, so I've heard a lot of the ones from that list. I've also had the singing flight attendants on Southwest. Here are a few more I've experienced:

- The pilot was saying that the travel time to our destination should be 3 hours, but luckily, he knew a shortcut, so we might be a little early.

- One Southwest flight I was on, as everyone was boarding the plane, all of a sudden, when someone opened up the luggage compartment, one of the smaller female flight attendants was hiding inside it and screamed.. It was HYSTERICAL.

- On another Southwest flight, I the flight attendant giving the safety speech added in a random "Wah Wah Wah" like the Charlie Brown teacher.

Lauryn on 05 June, 2010

There was one that was said by a BA stewardess on a flight to Saudi Arabia.

"Welcome to Saudi Arabia, please set your watch forward 2 hours and back 600 years"

Saudi also follows the Islamic calender which is currently in year 1431.

This is a true story, BA was not allowed to fly to Saudi Arabia for a few months after (I lived there so I should know).

Kristian on 05 June, 2010

Funniest experience ever. The captain announced this just before we took off: "And before we take off, if you could please turn off all your cell phones, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and all of your weed whackers. Thanks."

Zoe on 05 June, 2010

We were on a Southwest Flight and were going through normal procedure and at the end the flight attendent said "and for our smokers on board, if you need a smoke, please do so on the wings." 5 minutes later she came back and had to tell us she was kidding.

Richard on 06 June, 2010

I was on a plane from canada and the pilot said it is currently 80 degrees farentheit and 30 degrees ahhh c...anadian

Anonymous on 12 June, 2010

Now I know how to pick my next vacation - somewhere SouthWest flies!

morgan on 14 June, 2010

We were waiting our turn to depart in Denver, on our way to Phoenix. As we were not going anywhere fast the flight attendant announced "Those on the left side of the plane, if you look out your window you will see a Quantas 747. That is John Travolta's personal plane." EVERYBODY was trying to get a look, those on the right were a little bummed that they couldn't see it. Then the attendant came over the speaker again, "Those on the right side can look out their window and see John Travolta!" Everybody shifted so fast I swear the plane rocked. I could see the flight attendant just short of rolling on the floor.

D*Rok on 14 June, 2010

There is one South African Airline called Kulula.com... they are an offspring of Virgin Airlines- anyway- they re by far the funniest flights ever- similar to Southwest- I think if you're not aware of their marketing strategy you'd really shit your pants with some of the things they say.

stephanie on 15 June, 2010

Number six was funny and nine. Third from last was all right and ten really made me chuckle. All in all these were really funny.

Whitesoul123 on 18 June, 2010

best one ive heard was.. After a long night flight the plan lands and everyone wakes up, when the captain turns the lights one he announces "and god said let there be light"

lumlver124 on 22 June, 2010

my favorite: "we have two smoking sections on this aircraft, located on the left and the right sides of the plane. the feature film will be gone with the wind"

flight attendants are getting so witty

olivia on 22 June, 2010

After we'd landed in London once the pilot (instead of telling people to remain seated) announced 'We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft, If you wish to volunteer then please stand before we have come to a stop'

Lou on 22 June, 2010

It was april fools day and we were flying to Florida. And the pilot said "we have reached san diego i hope you had a nice flight" and left everyone puzzled then a few minutes later "april fools"

Alycia on 23 June, 2010

Southwest has the best lines. On our flight to Vegas, the attendants/pilot had everybody cracking up.

Culito on 23 June, 2010

I know an older lady who used to be a flight attendant. Her airline had a Valentines day special one year, and so she announced, "Everyone who has a heart on gets a free cocktail!" (heart-on sounds like... )

Merry on 24 June, 2010

My own safety briefing on f/w air ambulances: In case of emergency, the exits are here and here and are operated thus. THEN, FOLLOW ME AND KEEP UP!

tammy on 26 June, 2010

In the middle of a huge tornado the flight attendants had us laughing and really taking our mind of being stuck on the runway.

John Richards on 29 June, 2010

I love southwest. I was on a 6am flight where the captain came on and said, "I noticed a few ladies who forgot to put on their makeup this morning, I'll will be dimming the lights for your convenience"

on 30 June, 2010

Flying united in the 90's, a flight attendant threw in this gem: "... and as you enter the terminal, please remember not to smoke... for the rest of your lives."

The Old Wolf on 30 June, 2010

I love these. I was on a flight where #6 was said! the flight crew also made us pass toilet paper over our heads to see which "aisle" wins a free drink!

tracey on 10 July, 2010

I love southwest, I used to fly with them frequently and most of the time they had some pretty funny remarks.

One time, before take off the captain said "We will now be dimming the lights to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants"

Another one by a flight attendant: "Please put all backpacks, laptop bags, carryons, purses, and man-bags in the compartment underneath your chair"

Carolyn on 13 July, 2010

The funniest pilot comment I ever heard was during a Southwest flight over Arizona. The pilot came on and said: "Those of you on the right side of the plane can see Meteor Crater, a mile wide hole in the ground where a giant meteor crashed into the earth 50,000 years ago. And look! It JUST missed that house!"

I was the only person laughing, but it was to tears.

MfK on 16 July, 2010

on a southwest flight, during the normal safety announcements, the flight attendant says "in the event of a water landing your seat bottom cushions can be used as flotation devices. Just kick-paddle, kick-paddle all the way to shore, we will be sure to follow you with the booze" I laughed. Southwest is awesome!

Emily on 24 July, 2010

I've heard quite a few of these myself. My personal favorites I've heard was from the Captain of an ATA charter flight from the US to Kuwait. "I was a chopper pilot in the Army for 20 years, somebody remind me to land like an airplane, not like a helicopter". After landing in Shannon, Ireland for fuel, the pilot came out and told us "Are there any 2nd Lieutenants on board? (a few hands raise) OK First Sergeants, keep an eye on them in the airport, because you can't spell lost without the LT. I can say whatever I want, I'm a retired Chief 5! We'll be here a couple hours, your aircraft will be taking on jet fuel, and your pilot will be taking on guiness. Have fun!"

Joe on 16 August, 2010

Joe - That's a superb quote! Thanks for sharing it.

Jack on 17 August, 2010

One time when I was flying to arizona the stewardess said: 'Please remember that smoking on the plane is prohibited except in our designated smoking area, located on the tip of the right-hand wing. It's sure to really blow you away!'

I thought it was funny. ^^

Lucy on 20 September, 2010

I love Southwest! They always know how to make a flight so much better. I have the flight attendant as we were landing do a horse noise and a clip clop of horse hoofs. Also on the same flight as they were describing the bathroom and when it lights up its occupied. The flight attendant said "Now when Mr. and Mrs. Love are lit up they are not in love that just means that there is someone using the bathroom." It was good for a laugh.

@MfK I would have been laughing right there next to you crater missed the house.

Lauren on 21 September, 2010

Thanks to Lucy & Lauren for sharing your funnies

Jack on 22 September, 2010

We don't anticipate the cabin losing air pressure, let's face it folks, if we did we wouldn't have come to work today, the oxygen masks will....

Anonymous on 26 September, 2010

On a flight to Dallas, the pilot said," ...We will be flying at an altitude of 50 ft. to avoid radar detection..."

Raul on 17 October, 2010

Fun At work!!! Everywhere do this... But This is amazing. LoL!!

Shrikrishna Meena on 07 November, 2010

Really really funny blog post. thanks for creating and sharing

Nepal Treks on 14 November, 2010

My Experience: "Ladies and Gentlement this is your captain speaking. Something has falled off of the left wing, which we will need to land saftely in Dubai. So we will be heading bach the Charles de Guale Airport to make an emergency landing. You will notice out the right-side windows that we are already dumping thousands of litres of fuel to lighten our load before returning to France."

Simon on 23 January, 2011

in one of my flights to australia aboard the quantas airline. the steward announced to the boarding passengers: "welcome aboard to die(today."

(note: most australians pronounced..today as to-dai; or monday as mon-ddai, etc.)

eric garayblas on 27 January, 2011

well, Lukla Airport is one of the dangers in the world. but i flow more then three hundred times. even i was more then tens times in Europe and still i like to take flight. i don't file any dangers to take flight any were...

Lila Gurung on 15 February, 2011

Here is one I heard through the grape vine and I also heard the employee got fired, but it is great. “Welcome to Afghanistan please set your watch back two thousand years”

Kevin on 15 February, 2011

Here is one you could possibly use.... after we had just gotten our drinks the pilot came over the pa and said we are now coming in for our final approach, I know some of you just got your drinks but pretend we are back in college and I got the quarter in and pick all of you to drink. Thank You

John on 14 March, 2011

I flew Southwest last night and an attendant named Kelly with red hair made the "shift happens" comment, as well as the "don't be naughty in our potty" one. She sang Southwest parodies of Zip a Dee Doo Dah and a couple other songs... my favorite is when she was saying that the flight attendant button above your heads "Does not turn us on!"

Emily on 12 April, 2011

great post mate.

Funny as hell LOL

Ross on 24 April, 2011

Brilliant. I heard one or two of these in the 80s and early 90s, when people did have their heads shoved quite so far up their own arse like they do in the humourless, unfunny, self-regarding, po-faced, hypersensitive, super-defensive and shitty, hateful 21st century when quips like this would end up with you fired and caged because some grotesquely post-modern 21st century twat strained to take offence.

Adrian on 28 May, 2011

i got off a plane once and the pilot said "please watch your head when you stand up, and if you dont watch your head please watch your language."

Eli on 22 July, 2011

these are actually from kalula airlines in south africa. i have been on their flights and they are incredibly funny.

David on 25 August, 2011

Which ones? I know some of them from Southwest Airlines, pretty funny as well.

Jack on 25 August, 2011

Right before the captain turned off the fasten seatbelt light when we arrived at the gate, he said "now will the real slim shady please stand up."

Kris on 25 August, 2011

when i was flying the guy came on and said make your seat belts like j-los pants tight and low haha it made my day especially since it was my 3rd and final flight

Anonymous on 22 October, 2011

very funny--I actually heard a couple of these on Southwest. I love Southwest--wish they flew internationally. What do you think--window or aisle? http://www.50plusandontherun.com/2011/09/why-i-choose-window-seat.html

Thanks for the smile!

NLM on 24 October, 2011

One time i was on a plane through Southwest Airlines, and the flight attendant said "If you are afraid of the dark, or of the person sitting next to you, there is a reading light above you."

Alyssa on 26 October, 2011

one time when i was on a southwest flight after we landed the flight attendant said thank you for flying with us if you have any complements please go to our website southwest.com and leave them there and if you have any complaints then please go to our other website northwest.com and leave them there!

Anonymous on 01 November, 2011

LOL! love it

My Favourite thing a flight attendant ever said was " We are now going to dim the lights for take off. If you are scared of the dark or that thee boogy man will get you, don't worry, he only flies on other airlines." ^__^

Shannon on 01 December, 2011

Southwest Airlines is notorious for its funny announcements. On a flight to Vegas one time the pilot mentioned that, "On the right side of the plane is the Grand Canyon, but please everyone don't look at once or we'll roll over".

Tom on 10 February, 2012

These are great quotes! A couple of months ago I was flying WestJet to Toronto and the flight attendant was really funny. Here are a couple of the ones I remember:

"If you're bored with me, which it looks like you all are, the emergency exits are located..."

"In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment... Please be advised your bag may not inflate. Don't worry - mine will!"

"Our flight attendants will be coming down the aisle to collect any trash, along with any chocolates or jewelery. Unfortunately, they don't accept husbands or wives."

Jessica on 19 February, 2012

My fave was "And now Christine will be coming down the aisle showing you her armpits."

Judy on 05 May, 2012

Great stuff...hope my buddy Dan gets it of delta...

Jim Rice on 30 June, 2012

I remember these from a long time ago, I forgot how old I was:

"To all you folks on the left side of the plane, you have a pretty good view of Los Angeles. And to all you folks on the the right side of the plane, you have a pretty good view of the people on the left side of the plane."

"Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today, and you had any problems with this flight, just so you remember, you were riding with 'DELTA' Airlines."

Kyle Kelley on 08 September, 2012

Thanks your your additions Kyle, those are great!

Jack on 08 September, 2012

Southwest Airlines, as we neared the gate, "Please remain seated until the plane comes to a full stop unless you like falling to the floor and hearing the rest of us laugh at you."

We also had some children traveling alone and the head attendant started announcements with, " Now, I want all of my children to pay attention..."

MaryL on 17 September, 2012

Another poster commented on the version of the "Barney Song" parody they witnessed. I was treated to another version as the passengers on a Southwest flight I was on prepared to exit the plane. The version I witnessed concluded a bit differently (and was quite effective at making the passengers giggle):

We love you,

You love us;

We're much faster than the bus.

We hope you've enjoyed our hospitality;

Marry one of us and you'll fly free!

Toni on 31 October, 2012

It was really windy, and the Alaskan Airlines Pilot bounced twice on landing. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Portland --- Portland --- Portland!"

=Don on 23 November, 2012

Read this in Reader's Digest: On landing in Israel, the El Al flight attendant announced, "Please remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop. For those of you who are seated, Welcome to Israel, and Merry Christmas! For those of you who are still standing, Happy Chanukah, and welcome home!

Don on 23 November, 2012

One of the flights I was on going to Telluride, Colorado for a ski trip had encountered some fog upon landing and the pilot got on the radio and told everyone that "we were going down to see if we can see the runway".

Anonymous on 06 December, 2012

Is this really for real and did some of those comments get those folks in deep do-do!

Anonymous on 07 January, 2013

Most of these are from Southwest Airlines flights, so the announcements are real. They have a funny streak.

Jack on 08 January, 2013

I was once flying from Tulsa to Houston with a stop in Dallas. The flight was diverted on to Houston and the captain had to make an announcement that those passengers getting off in Dallas would be brought back on a connecting flight. Instead, he announced "Don't worry, we have plenty of parachutes. As we pass over Dallas, you will be directed to your final destination."

Robert on 28 July, 2013

My favorite from my own experience is one time when a flight attendant finished making his announcement and ended it with, "This is a recording."

Anonymous on 04 November, 2013

Last one off the plane must clean it? Imagine the rush for the exits!

Geoff on 16 December, 2013

Announced on West Jet after arriving in Vancouver BC "As this is the end of our flight, please take all your belongings with you. Any items left behind can be found on EBay in a few hours."

Chris on 14 August, 2014

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