Funny airplane announcements
Now and then, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety presentation and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some of the better ones that are flying around the web:
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Looking for more fun? See some funny exchanges between pilots and air control operators.
Written by Jack on 26 July, 2009 in Travel News. Last updated on 03 March, 2010.
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Comments
Hey Jack,
Very funny list... I love number 15 personally! Not sure why but it really tickled me!!
TravMonkey on 30 July, 2009
I've got the same kind of silly sense of humor, that one's really good.
Jack on 31 July, 2009
South west Airlines does a lot of kinda weird things on their flights. Rapping flight attendants seems to be the norm
Number 3 was kinda awesome lol ( :
Cody on 26 August, 2009
I travel some, and I have personally heard from the pilot or flight crew all but 1,4, and 15. So...likely they're all true.
Dave on 26 August, 2009
very nice post.thanks for making this great funny post and share to all people
Nepal expedition on 27 August, 2009
I've heard a few (or variations of) those on the list. But my all time favorite is "be careful when opening overhead compartments, shift happens"
Mike on 27 August, 2009
I feel sorry for the pilots, when landings are difficult :(
Number 16 was funniest for me.
casbot on 28 August, 2009
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
Absolutely cracked me up - the pilots are strange people but I suppose it must be a fairly boring job for them. They have got to get the laughs going for them somehow.
Kaitlin M on 28 August, 2009
I was on a plane once and the pilot said the following over the loud speaker:
"alright, we have begun our descent. If XXX is not your planned destination for today, it soon will be"
Anonymous on 29 August, 2009
i can vouch for number 6, southwest attendants said that on my flight-- they seem to be the best flights, too.
anonymous on 29 August, 2009
"If you are on the left side of the aircraft, you can see the weather system we are currently avoiding. If you are on the right side you can see the back of the other people's heads."
Anonymous on 31 August, 2009
Jack from "eyeflare" should probably get with it... n00b
ejes on 02 September, 2009
I hadn't heard "if you're traveling with two small children, choose now the one you love best" until my mom and I were flying this summer. I thought it was hilarious.
Akun on 03 September, 2009
Once I flew Southwest, and after landing ahead of schedule, the attendant got on the mic and sang, to the tune of Auld Lang Syne:
Should other airlines be forgot
And never brought to mind
Remember Southwest got you here
And we got you here on time...
Angus McPresley on 20 September, 2009
When I landed in Denver this past June the captain announced over the PA, just after a nice landing, "ladies and gentleman that landing was smooth like butter"
David on 23 September, 2009
i was in a united express flight, the flight attendant had a bad day, she said "... turn off all your blackberries, blueberries, strawberries.... in case of emergency, disco lighting will lit up the airplane.... in case of water landing, which is geographically impossible...."
anon on 27 September, 2009
A comment from a Southwest flight attendant: Please use caution when opening the overhead bins, because we all know, shift happens.
Joy on 28 September, 2009
Ya. I like #6 too. Haven't they figured out that we've figured out what a seatbelt is?
Janice on 04 October, 2009
I was flying Southwest, and the flight attendant made the statement, "You seat cushions can be used as a flotation device in case of an emergency crash landing in between Las Vegas and Salt Lake." It was great I wish Southwest did international.
Nathan on 06 October, 2009
actually i don't they they are made up at all. i've heard the if you have two children one pick witch one you love more on a southwest flight before. southwest encourages playfulness.
Patrick on 08 October, 2009
I had a pilot on South West make a funny announcement, we were coming in for a landing and he was acting as if the plane was a horse. saying "Woah nelly" "woahhh" and then followed by horse clopping noises. These were pretty good too.
Shelby on 10 October, 2009
It's nice to see people in stressful jobs loosening up a little. When I fly on Malaysian Airways and we reach cruise height, it sounds like the pilot says Potra potra banchewed larama Always makes me laugh.
Jim Jones on 13 October, 2009
One that I have heard on WestJet is: Smoking is not allowed on any flights. if caught you will be removed from the plane immediately. Of course this is said after take off. That same flight then announced at the end, smoking is allowed in certain areas in the terminal, those wishing to smoke can follow me.
Barb on 20 October, 2009
Another funny one:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our decent into XXX airport. At this time we would as that if you are still enjoying a cocktail, please stop enjoying it and start drinking it already!......."
LOL
SS on 20 October, 2009
I once heard this one on Aeroflot Russian Airways:
"We are now going to attempt to fly to New York"
ES on 21 October, 2009
I was on an Alaska Airlines flight and as we were taxiing from the gate the flight attendant came on and said "those passengers sitting on the right side of the aircraft can get a last look at their luggage before we depart"
She then went on to say "For those of you wondering about the weather at our destination, Honolulu is reporting sunny skies and temperatures of 86 degrees. Unfortunately our destination is Nome Alaska, which is reporting 27 degrees below zero and blowing snow".
Aiviq on 23 October, 2009
On a Southwest flight from SFO to LAX, a flight attendant went through the safety pitch, mentioning "...in the event this plane becomes a cruise ship, your seat cushion can be used a chaise lounge."
mike on 27 October, 2009
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
There is no reason to panic."
deppie on 02 November, 2009
I've heard a number of them, however, the rest were really funny! Thx for putting some humor into somewhat "compromised" situations
Sharon on 02 November, 2009
A Southwest attendant: "No smoking is allowed, even in the toilets. Don't be naughty in our potty! If you do, there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you'd be flying United tonight instead of Southwest."
Fred on 02 November, 2009
While explaining how to put the seat belt on, the flight attendant said "Please fasten the belt so its secure and low on your hips, Britney Spears style. Thank you."
julia on 02 November, 2009
I had a tremendously rough landing this weekend and the flight attendant said "On behalf of Midas shocks and Firestone tires, we welcome you to Portland."
bubbarub on 02 November, 2009
Had a Southwest pilot get on the PA prior to taking off to ask if it was anyones first time on a plane and to hit their flight attendant button. After a few minutes when no one did, he came back on and said "good, then I'm the only one." The entire plane completely cracked up. Also used to have flight attendants do a version of the Barney song - "We love you, you love us, we're much faster than a bus. . ."
Amy on 03 November, 2009
i had a Southwest captain come over the loudspeaker saying: "we are now going to dim the cabin lights to increase the studliness of your flight attendants. God knows they need it."
Anonymous on 08 November, 2009
1. Rayan air( no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
chris on 14 November, 2009
As a pilot I can attest to all of these. We like to have our fun, and we hope are passengers feel the same way.
Tom on 13 December, 2009
On a Southwest flight after landing early, but waiting for a terminal to open up, the captain came on the PA and said "Sorry for the delay folks, but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We'll have you off the plane as soon as we get done breaking it by hand."
adam on 14 December, 2009
While boarding a Westjet flight to Vegas. The attendant asked for the elderly, disabled, and people with small children to come to the front so they can board the plane. And then, imediately remarked that she didn't know why anyone would bring their children to Vegas. The terminal erupted with laughter. The people that didn't laugh, must have been making their first trip to the strip.
Herbert on 15 December, 2009
Thanks Adam, that's a cracker!
So's Herbert's. I do know there are (some) kid friendly stuff to do in Vegas though. It'd still leave the children with a babysitter!...
Jack on 15 December, 2009
All of these are great...another smoking gem. After giving the usual no smoking spiel, the Delta attendant continued: "If we do see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take steps to extinguish you."
-Karl on 07 January, 2010
Some good ones there. Number 6 in particular made me laugh.
Dan on 26 July, 2009